Away from the Clubs and Into a New World. How I Created a New social and Dating life.
I was inspired to write this because I wish to save people time. In this day and age there is so much happening and its normal for people to have more than two jobs, going to school and have a business. People who say “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” aren’t really creative. I believe that you can have the social life, get your work done and enjoy romance.
Before I even get into this, I will let you know this is written from a heterosexual man’s perspective. Trying to remain impartial throughout the work took away from the impact of my words. Therefore, I just dropped the matter completely. Although I feel most people could profit from this, I wrote this more for the bold men, the “Alphas.” This isn’t for the people who are shy and timid. This isn’t for the ones who can’t understand the art of patience and planning. It starts off as a solid way to attract women without needing to go out to the club scene all the time. The idea is that dates come to you. Later it changes to a way to alter your entire social life. It was written as my story so as I changed, my focus did as well. How you decide to apply it is up to you.
If you are the shy and timid one and you feel you can handle this, please do read on. I challenge you to employ my strategy and watch your world change. For a while I was the shy guy in the corner, so I feel your pain. I personally found the only way to break free was to constantly myself uncomfortable. To reach the point whereas I was always comfortably uncomfortable.
Another one of the primary reasons for writing this is, I am bothered about how isolated people are. People live and die not knowing anyone outside of their small pool of associates. The only people most meet are the ones whom we attended work or school with. My personal issue with that is I am a PROFESSIONAL. When I am at work I AM THERE TO WORK. When I am at school I AM THERE TO LEARN. If I meet someone there it could be secondary focus. However, to many it’s their primary way to find people just because they don’t have any other way. Having workplace relationships tends to complicate things and takes focus away from the reason you are there. If you meet someone at the job or school and there is a genuine connection that is one thing. However, because many are so starved for intimacy people tend to exclusively look for it in those situations.
Thus, enjoy my story. Hopefully, it helps you and thanks for reading.
Leaving The Club Scene
To be honest I just got tired of it. Don’t get me wrong, I loved going out to the clubs. The drinking, the pretty girls, the neon lights, watching people just be let it all go…sigh* even writing about it gets me going… The atmosphere was simply ELECTRIC!!! One of the better parts was just for a bit, people would lay aside their inhibitions and be free. The best way I ever heard it described came from a dialogue I had with an old friend. We were both in and out the clubs in our youth. I slowed down, he stopped entirely.
I told him “You know when I first got into it, I went because of the girls but I stayed for a different reason. I would feed off the energy in that space and lose myself. I stayed due to the addictive nature of that feeling. I stayed because I let it consume me. I LOVED IT! I just got to know man…do you miss it.” After a nostalgic sigh, a warm smile and him running his hands through his long hair he replied, “Yeah man, I do miss the social aspect of going out. It’s a type of ‘high’ you don’t get anywhere else. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I just channeled that same energy and directed it to other areas of my life. That’s how you grow in my opinion. But yeah…I know exactly what you mean man. hahaha”
There were a number of things leading up to it, but I never forgot the day I decided to walk away from it all. I was in the club chatting up these two blonde girls and doing a good job of it too. They were interested, feeding off every word I said, not even paying attention to anyone else there. I even caught a few guys staring at us (likely wishing they were me). I realized like most things, picking up women was a skill and I gotten quite good at it. Then out of the blue I had a miniature life changing moment. In the mist of the conversation I just realized that I couldn’t even bring myself to pretend to care what these two girls were saying. Please don’t get me wrong, these two lady’s were lovely but I was the one who had changed. I realized I have trouble with prolonged “normal” conversations. I was reading books on philosophy. I went to art galleries for fun. I thrived in a deep world of thought and the normal surface conversations were like death to me. My integrity had grown as well, I couldn’t feign interest in people for superficial reasons anymore. These two women were stunning, but I had to accept in that moment I needed something more than just looks. I still enjoyed the club atmosphere, but I had to find new ways to meet women. What I did next was something I never thought I would ever do. Literally in the middle of our conversation, after I came to planet earth, I bid the two ladies farewell and left the club. I picked up some food then headed home. The entire time I kept thinking, “I can’t do this anymore so I must find another way.”
Hunters and Gathers
In both grade school and college, they taught us about hunters and gathers. When you were one of the two you had to go out and find food all the time. The Hunters went out and hunted for the beasts. The Gathers forged the land for the insects, fruits and nuts to eat. For most it was an everyday thing. I’m guessing they enjoyed it but I’m certain at times both groups just wanted the food without the headache of the daily search.
I compared what the Hunters and Gathers did as to what I used to do in regard to dating. Most other men too. My primary source of finding new potential dates was to hit up clubs every week and hope for the best. I would do other things as well: Sometimes I would see attractive women out in public during the day and approach them. I even did online dating for a bit even though I wasn’t a big fan. The major issue with all of that is it wasn’t self-sustaining and although I was improving with women, eventually prospects would always run out. Another Issue with that was I would be approaching people strictly from the way they looked. As I got older things changed; I wanted more out of a person than just a pretty smile and nice curves. I would discover that later though. I started to think of how I could make this work long term without my constant involvement.
I thought back to college and how we eventually learned about farmers. It was the next stage of progress mankind had to take. Instead of going out and finding new food everyday they created an environment whereas there was always food available. Really it wasn’t just food. They learned to produce whatever one might need. A big thing was it freed up their time to do more. It freed them to think and explore other opportunities.
I had to come to terms with the fact that I was only getting busier. I would have my day job but much of the time I had work to do after hours as well. If I wasn’t in night classes I usually had homework. If I wasn’t in school at the time, I likely found some business I wanted to be a part of and was working that after hours too. Then there was the gym, various volunteering events, hiking, exploring… the list goes on really. I was only in my mid 20’s but I saw no sign of this slowing down. In fact, I saw things speeding up. One of my motto's is “I can sleep when I die.” That was another issue with going out all the time. Drinking and staying up late slowed down other aspects of my life. Getting drunk was fun but the alcohol had an effect on me. Usually if I stayed up too late or drank too much upon waking, I would find myself completely drained. This caused me to just sit at home and recover. The day I could have been out and getting more stuff done I was forced to stay at home. In my quiet moments I thought of the farmers. Thinking to myself “how can I apply my life to that how could I do it? If there is a way to become a farmer how is it possible”?
Becoming a Farmer
The idea originally came to me from a past friend. My female Japanese teacher who doubled as my friend liked to hang out with me often. One day she introduced me to her friend at a hookah bar and we hit it off. She was an amazing girl but like many people these days she had no social life. She didn’t go out and was always working. She might have personally known a total of 5 men. If not for our mutual friend this never would have happened. No matter how I cultivated my skills with women it wouldn’t have mattered because we would have never cross paths. Knowing this my mind started to ask a question. “In this day and age there are more and more people like her. Women and men are putting more effort into their careers than anything else. Question is how do I access this group”?
Took me a bit of time but then I started to think bigger. If I had one friend like that what would happen if I created 10. My hunting days would be behind me. I could just relax and put more energy towards other things.
The Key to it All
At the time of me initially realizing this I didn’t know how powerful this actually was. It would be few more years before I dived into sales and marketing. Back then I didn’t know how important associations are. The little bonds you make day by day will likely help you for years to come. The reason why this was so easy is because it’s based in trust. I was the other girl’s friend so that trust passed from her to me. There is an “Art” to talking yourself up. Doing it while not appearing arrogant is comparable to walking a tightrope. You want to let others know about your accomplishments, but you don’t wish to be perceived as arrogant. However, another can talk you up as much as they wish with little repercussions. If you create a friend that really likes you and your lady friend talks her other friends about you, you have a way to connect. On the flip side even if they don’t talk about you, you just being friends with her leads to a way in. If her friend was interested in, you she would eventually ask about you. If you are a decent person your friend will likely only have good things to say.
On another level having good associations helps with other affairs as well. Complete strangers who just see you associate with other people they approve of raises your standing in their eyes. Therefore, just going into a public place with another woman makes others around feel more secure. “Oh if she is with him he is likely harmless.” I was talking to a former Mormon woman once and with the upmost respect I asked her “What are some advantages of sharing a husband”? She told me “When you are in that life it’s pretty popular to not want to be the first wife.” This deeply intrigued me, and I beckoned her to go on. “The idea is if someone else marries him first you get to see how he treats her, in turn how you will likely be treated.” I thought to myself “Ahhhh, Security! I get it now.” In a society where its normal for women to carry around pepper spray this makes so much sense.
Creating an Environment
Putting my plan into action I started to socialize all the time. I started to meet people from all walks of life just to get into their world. Sometimes it worked other time it didn’t. Doing this had unexpected repercussions. I would sometimes get invited to things I had no interest in but felt the urge to go because I wished to expand my network. The dates started flow, but it wasn’t how I wanted it to be. Issue was many of the women I met weren’t the type I wanted to date. You can say I was almost back at square one.
At this time, I was attending church regularly. I noticed the church leaders always hinted at us dating our own. They wanted us to find other members in the same religion to be with and eventually marry. Their logic behind that was the leaders saw the church as environment they deemed appropriate and the people good. If the two people meet in the church, they will likely stay in the church so that in turn helped out the church and everyone else involved. The church leaders also had a model for what their version of an ideal relationship looked like.
I knew people who worked in the education system and at the hospital. They told me some scandal filled stories and how everyone was seeing everyone. They all knew and understood each other and like the church that was their environment.
It then dawned on me. If the church can create their own environment, why can’t I? Why can’t I find people who I connect with on multiple levels? I am a writer so I can find other writers. I am also an entrepreneur so that is another connection. I like to work out and to have fun. I realized I should find many people with those same characteristics and others I wasn’t even aware of. I started to realize at I been going about this all wrong. I been thinking far too small. Question is if I can create an ideal dating scene why can’t I do that with the rest of my life? I should take control of my entire environment. Instead of finding just random women to be friends with I should find ones with similar interests. If I befriend them, they will likely have friends with interests like hers. If I find more male friends, it’s the same thing. With the women I don’t have an intimate connection with I have someone for them as well.
This was another part of being comparable to a farmer. Just like how a farmer didn’t just produce food but other various other things benefiting his life that’s also what I desired. I wanted deep impactful friends. Not just one or two but continuous supply. I wanted to meet women close to my level or higher. It also helps them not being on guard due to them not knowing me.
The process itself was a slow one. It takes day by day networking and relationship building. With many conversations will die off. Others due to their own insecurity will give you a contact but never reply to your messages. With others, some random thing will cause the relationship to end. With all that I still promise it’s worth it. Just remember you are building an environment and lifestyle catered for you and it benefits all who come associated with it.
How do you meet people you ask? It’s simple, common interests. If you like hiking, go to a hiking group and meet people that way. If you play chess find a place to play. If you just work on your laptop or read books do so at a coffee shop once in a while and talk to people in your immediate. Join a book club. Look for cross interests while you are there and find people whom you generally like. When you find that person with common interests connect with that person but don’t put too much pressure on the relationship. If the other person is someone you may be interested romantically in just relax. He or she isn’t going anywhere and if they do become a part of your environment, they will introduce you to others. Let things unfold naturally. BE THE REAL YOU and just have fun. One big factor I wish to point out is to GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. If someone invites you to an event, GO. Keep in mind as children we wanted to be invited to parties. As adults we want people to come to our parties. When someone invites you to something it’s equally uncomfortable to them because they are afraid you will say no. If they throw a party, they are afraid no one will show. Going is a bigger deal than you can imagine. It solidifies the relationship.
Do keep in mind this was written for the people like myself who have less and less time to go to the club. This means you have more time to pursue your dreams, hobbies and interests. Use that time to become a more interesting person. SPEND a little more time at the gym. READ a chapter or two more of that book. WATCH one more “how to video” on YouTube. STAY an hour or two more at your job or working your business. TAKE that dance class, improv class or learn how to draw. The idea is you use that time to get better and the better. The better you get the more good will flow into your world. The more interesting you are the better quality of people you can likely add to your environment. Which in turn brings even better women in.
Then work to bridge some of these people together. That is the hardest part, but it isn’t necessary for all of your friends to be friends just enough of the bunch. If that doesn’t happen eventually you will be invited to a pre-made group and best part about that is, you can rotate between groups. Through that relationship you can make several connections and gateways to others.
Doing this has put me in a many intimate relationships. I still go out to the clubs off and on but these days it’s instead of finding love I just enjoy the moment. If I feel like being chatty I do so if I want to just relax I do so too. I learned in sales that even if you ARE desperate it’s best not to act that way. People can sense it. Then when they know you are desperate, they will usually either take advantage of you or walk away. That being said if you are desperate it is better to act like you aren’t. However, the very best way to not be desperate is to really NOT be desperate. Knowing you can take or leave something is a very powerful card to play. So even if you talk to a new person with intimate interest It isn’t a big deal if they turn you down. With having a large circle like I do now there is always someone talking about me or some new thing I might be up to. There is usually someone that I know is interested in me, but I have not talked to on that level yet. I created a vast group of friends and I usually have random fun events to go to. Or someone to accompany me on my excursions.
Off and on I get business deals too. And because I have such a great network I often times can be the bridge to bring various people who need some kind of service or skill from the other person together. Because I can vouch for them it saves everyone a bit of time and it’s the same thing for me. When I need some type of unexpected service, I reach out to my web first and I usually come back with something even if it is only a lead. When I connect people, it raises their perception of me in their eyes too. It’s a winning situation for everyone.
The best part is I have no reason to stop. If I’m in a relationship or not I’m constantly looking for new members, men and women. Being that we are constantly growing or changing people do leave. Others you grow apart from. Some come back others don’t. All that is good, the environment develops as you do. If you leave or your group disappears you can start over easily. It became apparent this is my way of life now and I like it.
Using my technique is very fruitful it can dramatically transform your entire life but doing so exposes who you really are. A mentor once told me “you attract what you are” I have and still meet more and more Dynamic people because that is who I am, and I am getting better. If you are a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” this technique will not work for you unless you cast off the disguise and show the real you. The basis behind this is trust and others doing the work for you in promoting you to their people. If you are in hiding of your true self people will sense that about you. If you are a wolf of sorts be open about it, my current female friends love to hear me tell naughty stories. But do keep in mind its better to not attack the network you are forming. The point is just be the real you. If you are just layed back person be that.
I want to just stress once more to just relax. If your aim is mostly to attract a partner again just RELAX. Don’t hit on every girl your friend introduces you to. That’s a sure fire way to not be introduced anymore and become the guy others talk about behind your back.